how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Okay so I just had a really great idea