When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
