Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
