some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
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Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo