his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
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That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.