You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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