Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
