Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
