If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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