Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
