last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
