the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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