I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.