dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.