Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.