on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dear god my vagina.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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