she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
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She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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