so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
