my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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