onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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