I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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