where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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