I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you