My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.