I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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