just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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