I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
