It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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