I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
