whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
