the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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