Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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