the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
