I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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