I think I won the penis lottery.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
