I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
