The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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