If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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