I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
