Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
