you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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