when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
