I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
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you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.