He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more