her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
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You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
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Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"