My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
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I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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