I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
