Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
