I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize