You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
