oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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