He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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