This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
