Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
