You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
