If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
