y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Drake has all the answers
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
