new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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