so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
