before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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